In the early days of my career, I remember sitting in a café on a weekend, listening to my friend vent for hours. She had spent months building a side project, then erased it all overnight.
The reason? A single skeptical comment from a mutual friend made her feel foolish for even trying.
She wasn’t worried about the whole world’s opinion but the judgment of two people whose voices loomed outsized in her mind. Overall, it wasn’t the world that held her back; it was that tiny “audience” in her head.
In a world of billions, it’s usually just a tiny handful of people holding us back. When you find yourself hesitating over a bold move or a creative idea, whose judgment are you truly concerned about?
Most likely, it isn't everyone. It's likely a small circle, perhaps a couple of colleagues whose opinions hold significant weight, or a friend or family member whom you can't bear to disappoint.
We carry these few voices around like an imaginary panel of judges. The irony is that one of those judges frequently represents our OWN voice.
We let five or six voices hold us back, while the other eight billion on the planet hardly notice.
We second-guess ourselves, picturing the smirk of that old classmate if we fail or hearing the cautious tone of a parent advising us to play it safe.
“I told you so!”
“C’mon, did you really think this would work?”
“Trust me, I’ve seen enough to know… Your idea won’t work.”
Guess what?
We hand over outsized power to a tiny audience of critics, supporters, and ghosts from our past. It’s as if we live inside a small theater, performing only for that front row of familiar faces. We walk through our lives, carefully and quietly, repeatedly adjusting ourselves and even abandoning our ambitions just to avoid displeasing this imagined VIP crowd.
Who are these people, exactly? They usually fall into a few camps:
Ironically, any of these voices can become shackles if you give them too much weight.
You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do—Eleanor Roosevelt
First, let's dispel a common misconception.
Most people aren’t thinking about you nearly as much as you fear. We tend to grossly overestimate how much attention others pay to our appearance, words, and mistakes.
We often believe that the passerby gives a d*mn about the coffee stain on our white t-shirt.
Psychologists even have a name for this oversensitivity, the “spotlight effect.” In one experiment, people wildly overestimated how many others noticed something embarrassing about them.
The truth is, most of them don’t.
They’re too busy with their lives.
As Eleanor Roosevelt puts it, “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”
Then there are the few who do pay attention. However, their attention isn't always supportive. Maybe it’s a coworker who seems to relish your slip-ups or a friend who undermines your dreams with “practical” jabs. It could even be a faceless online troll or that one relative who’s never impressed.
Yes, these people exist, and their negativity can be overwhelming.
But why let people who want to see you fail have any say in how you live? Often, their criticism is just a reflection of their insecurities.
Would you prefer to limit yourself simply to prevent them from feeling gratified by your challenges?
Finally, there are those who truly care about you. These individuals include your close friends, family, and mentors.
These people honestly want the best for you. Even so, their opinions can unintentionally limit you.
A parent or partner might worry about you taking a risk (“Are you sure about quitting that stable job?”) because they hate to see you hurt.
A good friend might cheer for your success yet feel uneasy as your life changes beyond the status quo you both know.
Out of love, they might encourage caution when you actually need to be bold. Their concern comes from kind intentions, but it can still cloud your vision.
Our innate tendency is to avoid disappointing those we hold dear. But living only to meet even the kindest expectations can lead to a life that isn’t truly yours. (Tellingly, the number one regret people voice on their deathbeds is this: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”)
Whether the situation is indifferent, negative, or even loving, what unites them is the power we grant them. We internalize their voices so well that we don’t even need them around to hold us back. We carry an invisible advisory board in our heads with veto power over our choices.
I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me—Those who departed with regrets
There’s another one: that one voice on that panel that’s with you 24/7—your own, the Big Boss.
If we’re honest, our self-talk is the most brutal judge of all.
Sometimes it’s not even what others will say.
We’ve already preemptively said it to ourselves.
That inner voice knows exactly where to hit us:
“You’re going to make a fool of yourself.”
“So-and-so will think you’re crazy for trying this.”
“Everyone’s going to remember if you fail.”
It mimics the tone of a dozen imagined critics and loved ones. We essentially become a spokesperson for the very people we fear, replaying their potential criticisms on loop in our heads.
This kind of mental mind-reading is a trap.
We act as if we have telepathy about others’ thoughts.
We often have a tendency to assume negative outcomes.
In psychology, there’s a name for this habit: mind-reading. We persuade ourselves that we understand the thoughts of others ("she's not suited for this," "he's overwhelmed"), even in the absence of concrete evidence. Our brain serves up these scary lines to “protect” us from embarrassment or failure. In truth, it often just protects us from growth.
Let's rephrase that. It isn’t protecting us at all.
It’s holding us back.
It’s tougher than ever to shake the feeling of being watched. In the age of constant visibility, social media and hyper-connected life make it feel like we’re performing for an audience of hundreds every day. Post a new idea or project online, and it’s easy to start believing that “everyone” is noticing and judging.
But here’s the reality: other people aren’t paying nearly as much attention as you think. Everyone else is busy starring in their story, which means you’re usually a side character in theirs. They might glance at your post or hear about your bold move, then immediately go back to worrying about their lives.
Each of us is a side character in everyone else’s story.
The endless flood of content and information means anything you do is merely a drop in the ocean of other people’s minds. You might brace for a giant reaction to your news or mistake, and then… hardly anyone notices. It can be humbling, but it’s also freeing.
Most people don’t care enough to judge you for long.
They’re already on to the next thing.
On the other hand, modern technology allows those few voices we do care about to reach us at any time.
:)
A random stranger’s nasty comment can ruin your day if you let it. That’s why it’s important to be intentional about whose voices you amplify in your own head. Just because everyone has a megaphone now doesn’t mean every opinion is worth listening to. Ten online strangers shouldn’t outweigh one trusted friend’s feedback.
Don’t let the loudest voices become the most important by default.
Knowing all this, one question remains: if most people don’t actually care, and if the haters and worrywarts often have their own issues, why do those few opinions still hold so much power over us? Why do we lie awake ruminating about what so-and-so might think?
The reasons are woven into our psychology.
For one, humans are deeply social. For tens of thousands of years, being accepted by the tribe wasn’t just nice. It was necessary for survival. We’re descendants of people who survived by fitting in and not getting kicked out of the group.
That ancient wiring is still inside us.
Our brains still react to disapproval as if it’s a dire threat.
A critical look or a bit of laughter, and our primal instincts scream, “Uh-oh, I might be cast out.” It doesn't need a PhD to understand why a harsh comment or an awkward silence can feel so significant.
We also tend to mix other people’s judgments up with our self-worth. If a small group isn’t impressed, we start questioning ourselves; if they approve, we feel validated. It’s a wild roller coaster to ride.
To step off it, you have to anchor your worth in something steadier—your values, effort, and growth. And remember: if you’re doing something that truly matters, you’re bound to ruffle a few feathers. Attracting some critics often means you’re on the right track. You can’t create anything brave or new if you’re trying to please everyone.
A meaningful project or a bold life will always invite a bit of friction. It’s a feature, not a bug.
:)
Finally, here’s a reality check. Much of the power of others’ opinions comes from our imagination. We imagine their disapproval in vivid detail and predict worst-case scenarios where everyone is laughing at us.
In reality, people usually either don’t notice or don’t care nearly that much. And even if someone does judge or gossip, the moment passes quickly in their world. Realizing this shrinks those imaginary judges down to human size. Yes, someone might criticize you or think something about you, and then they’ll move on to their own concerns.
The world isn’t holding a spotlight on your every move.
Most eyes are busy looking at their own lives.
You can be the ripest, juiciest peach, and there will still be someone who hates peaches—Dita Von Teese
Once you see how a small group (including your inner critic) has been running the show, you can start to take back control of your story. It’s not easy to undo years of people-pleasing and fear, but it’s absolutely possible with practice. Here are a few mindset shifts to help you reclaim your freedom:
Not all opinions are created equal. Instead of letting anyone with a loud voice influence your path, be intentional about whose feedback you truly value. Pick a small, trusted circle of advisors and tune out the rest. Maybe that’s one mentor in your field or a close friend who gets you. If someone isn’t on your personal board of directors, their opinion doesn’t deserve much weight. And remember to give yourself a seat on that board too—trust your own experience and intuition. If your gut says a path is right (and your reasoning backs it up), don’t let a casual skeptic derail you.
This one is tough but liberating. Accept that some people just won’t “get” you or your choices, and that’s fine. You might disappoint or even shock some people by choosing your own path. But you’re the one living your life, not them. As the saying goes, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach, and there will still be someone who hates peaches.” Trying to contort yourself to please everybody is a recipe for frustration. Instead, focus on being authentic. The people who matter will either support you or respect your decision, even if they disagree. For everyone else, their disappointment is not your burden to carry.
The next time you catch yourself thinking, “They will judge me if I do this,” challenge that thought. Who exactly is “they,” and what do you really know about what’s in their heads? Try a small experiment: share a tiny piece of that project or idea with someone you trust, or take one small step in the direction you fear. You might find the sky doesn’t fall. Often, you’ll get a shrug or a simple “good for you” when you expected criticism. Those experiences will likely prove that your worst-case fears were just that. Fears. And if someone does sneer or gossip? Notice that you survive it. The discomfort fades quickly, and you’re still standing (maybe even more motivated). Each time you face down a feared opinion, you reclaim a bit more of your power.
When the fear of judgment is paralyzing you, zoom out and look at the big picture. Imagine yourself decades in the future, looking back on right now. What will you wish you had done? Will you really care that a few people rolled their eyes at you or thought your dream was silly? Probably not. You’ll care whether you tried and lived on your terms. In the moment, others’ opinions feel massive; in hindsight, they usually shrink to specks.
By the end of life, most people realize that what truly mattered was having the courage to be themselves.
Nobody wishes they had spent more time conforming to others’ expectations.
Even 2,000 years ago, the philosopher Marcus Aurelius was well aware of this issue: “…we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.” Think about that. Why do we still give external voices more credit than our own?
In the end, those other opinions will fade away, and you’ll be left with the life you lived. No one lies on their deathbed wishing they had impressed more Facebook friends or kept their true self hidden to avoid a few raised eyebrows.
All the energy you pour into managing what a handful of people might think. That’s the energy stolen from your passions, your loved ones, and your growth. In the end, the noise of others quiets, and it’s just you and the story you wrote.
The sooner you let go of that small group’s hold on you, the sooner you can start living freely. Thank those voices for their input, take what’s useful, and kindly dismiss the rest. Stop waiting for permission from that tiny audience. The only approval you truly need is your own.
If this piece was helpful or resonated with you, you can support my work by buying me a coffee!
Become a subscriber receive the latest updates in your inbox.
Member discussion